They don't hurt anyone, and aren't so ugly to see and feed my ego a bit :p so please just let them be where they are.
What if ELO-Hell was real?
I was wondering how a map of the ELO-Hell zone would look like. Obviously I'm thinking of something along the lines of Dante's Inferno (no, not the videogame!! I'm talking about the famous epic poem). So I modified an existing diagram to the following picture. And... I'm "proud" to present you the "exclusive" Dante-inspired ELO Hell MAP!
I wish to clarify that the types of "sins" written in the various circles were chosen at random from all the (more or less) negative behaviours one can find in his gaming experience. Since these behaviours should have been sorted by their "severity", the order in which they appear reflects both my personal point of view and some graphic needs.
This drawing was obviously created with the intention to joke about a very common theme in the LoL community (i.e. the so-called ELO Hell and bad gaming behaviours), and not to marginalize or judge the behaviour of anyone.
(But if all this "sins" are common in your gaming behaviour... then "meh". Go tetris? :p)
I will expose in more detail the illustration shown above, for both the curious and the myopic ones.
If you are brave enough to press the Solo Queue Button and adventure past the mysterious Matchmaking Mist, you'll eventually find yourself in the land of sorrow, despair and wards. No, just joking... no wards.
Vestibule: the Arrogants
Yes, you know the kind. He knows how to play, and won't miss a single opportunity to get out all of your mistakes. A fail flash? "Uninstall nab." Ganked under turret? "Go play tetris." You are just about to point out that he's not doing his best either, when he suddently appears bot to gank, making some triple kills now and then. And insulting you by chat while he's busy spamming abilities and destroying enemies. You hate him. You need him. And you hate him even more. He's not making you lose the game, but is definitely killing your will to play.
1st circle: the Bush Checkers
He goes where he pleases. But he's squishy as a Yordle can be. Also, he's the most unlucky player you've ever seen. There's a Garen hidden in every bush he walks in. EVERY BUSH. Maybe it's your support, and he really wanted to place that ward at that very moment. Precisely in that bush. Where the entirely enemy team was waiting for him. Surprise! ...yes, I used to be one of that supports, too. The Wards Call is to strong to resist.
2nd circle: the Laggers
The oldest excuse in the world. The whole team is blaming you? "Why didn't you move man??" - "Oh god why did you run into them?" - "Dude you died under turret..." - "OMG didn't you see them coming?" - "LoL dat ulti??" - and so on... fear not! You've got the right answer for everything: "sorry lag!!" With just two words you can blame the game status for making you lose. Noone will know if you were really lagging or just watching some other point of the map / browsing the shop / checking facebook / sipping some fresh drink.
Side effects: don't abuse this method, or you won't be trusted anymore. Well, maybe you'll never be in any case.
3rd circle: the Tekken Addicts
They're the strongest players you'll ever meet in LoL. They're just playing either with a bad team or from a friend's account, and just can't express their whole potential this way! So they must redeem their honour by challenging you in a duel to the death. "Nabs come 1 vs 1 I pwn you!!!"
They played Tekken when they were small, cute, innocent children, and were always beaten by bigger brothers / cousins / best friends. Now LoL is here, and revenge time has come. Fear the 1vs1 power!
4th circle: the Stealers
It doesn't matter if you're a mighty AD or AP carry, a terrible bruiser or a fearsome jungler. There's always someone next to you ready to endure the pain provoked by those horrible deaths you're causing... by stealing your kills. Supports are expecially good at this, but this difficult task can be accomplished also by some lower and/or tanky companion. Your Ashe complains about being 0/0/3 with that 3/0/0 Sona fighting next to her? She obviously doesn't understand the power of a clear conscience. Your Janna can last hit much faster than Caitlyn? It definitely isn't her fault, if the AD carry can't handle creeps. [/sarcasm]
5th circle: the Incomprehensibles
Here they are. The Philosophers. The Aphorisms men. You're not smart enough to understand them. They do their best to explain themselves and will report you for refuse to communicate if you still can't guess what they're meaning. "U no goin I why?" - "if me then nabs loose hit" - "don hev drag lol blue". They either don't know english, have butter spread on their keyboards or let their 3-years old sister write in chat in their place (no offence to the little girl). You'll never be able to guess what they meant. Asking for explanation is also useless. "lol lux sona sux" - "Sorry, what? O.O" - "stfu nab". At least they know acronyms.
6th circle: the Compulsive Pingers
Game starts, someone signals to stay back from enemy's Nexus. You know you've got a compulsive pinger in your game. He'll be passing most of the play time spamming the map with -90% useless- blinks. His lane opponent is missing? He'll be tracing all the possible and passable routes on the map, ping by ping. At the same time, he'll be warning all the lanes to stay back. Simultaneously. He's also known as Mr. Obvious Ping: constantly warning all the low-health members to go back, signaling every enemy appearance on the map, compulsively warning for Nashor or Dragon as if he could drill right into their health bars this way. You'll be so used to hearing that sound that you'll completely miss the important pings, if any.
7th circle: the Spammers
If you want to lead your team to victory with your precious, wise, essential suggestions, there's no better thing to do than filling the whole chat screen with your thoughts. That's what the spammer thinks. He's always ready to write something several times, just in case someone could miss it while - I don't know - trying to survive the nth gank. Want some gank to their lane? They'll make sure the jungler notices it, even when he might be busy trying to save another zone from being raped. Not convinced about the fine team strategy which leads to his death in all fights? He'll write an entire essay about it, line by line. If you accidentally forget to watch the chat for a while, it's too late: you've already lost most of the speech, and must scroll to catch up.
As you're adventuring deeper and deeper into the ELO Hell, you'll notice the slow but undeniable death of your map awareness. You know you're crossing the point of no return: the 0-Wards Area. You feel like in the most classic horror movie, finding yourself wandering around in a dark room with only a trembling torch. You'll eventually reveal the scary face of your murderer just a second before the unavoidable death. Just know that somewhere, every time, there's someone yelling at you: "IDIOT! TURN THE LIGHTS ON!!".
8th circle: the Malebolges
GZ! You managed to fall deeper and deeper into despair, traveling this far. At lower ELO Hell zones, you'll find a huge variety of sinners. Trying to get a relaxing, smooth play just with a simple /ignore all? Forget it, this won't work anymore.
The failing arrogants
Getting insulted for your fails is always frustrating. Being harassed by one who's failing harder than you is even worst. Ye, you know what I'm talking about... just imagine the typical scene: you've been grabbled by Blitzcrank a couple of times, and last time flash was on cd. "FFS stop being catched by Blitz nab!!" - *grabble* - *horrible death* - "FFS why didn't you do anything??". What can you answer? "Sorry if I couldn't just flash in - exhaust - die for you?". They think the game would be lost without them. Well, this is maybe true, but with them the loss surely is much faster. Harassing and feeding at the speed of light, this is their task! Annoy-a-tron companions ready to kill both your game and morale.
The Ragequitters
Too much caffeine ingestion and real life repressed frustrations are the main causes of anger during games. Almost everyone happened to get upset because of a very bad game. You sure did, at least once, admit it. Well, you're just an occasional rager: don't feel special for that. The real ragers, the Masters of Fury and Wrath, are *always* angry. Can't pick what they wanted? Rage. Can't farm properly? Rage. Can't kill everything that moves on the map just by themselves? Rage. Got killed? Double rage! When they reach the very limit, these guys (and girls) will likely threaten to quit, or most likely leave the game without a word. A nice alt+F4, and all the problems are gone. Direct PC shutdown for the best. You'll find yourself fighting 4 vs 5, but rejoice at the thought that this dude is biting his keyboard, cursing every button as he's chewing it.
The Blind Pickers
You just finished playing a dozen normal games. Every time, your team was perfectly organized. More, when a jungler/tank was needed, Random Awesome Dude # 1 gave up the role of carry to fulfill that task. You begin assuming that having a well-matched team is "normal". Forget it. Prepare yourself for the full-squishy army, or for the no-ranged team. Or worst, the double-jungler. For stealing your own jungle while your jungler jungles. Four of you are discussing by chat and have agreed to your roles during the bans phase? Mr. Lulwut locks in what he wants to play, no matter what the others say or do. He also doesn't read chat and just writes "me top". 7 out of 10 games won't start because of him. The few games that actually start could be a real armageddon of flame and anger. Be prepared.
The Insulters
The Aconyms Talkers
The QQers
The First Timers
The Trolls and Feeders
The Instalockers
The AFKers
Leaver's well
9th circle: the Leavers
-still under construction- yeah I'm quite slow
___________________________________________
No comments:
Post a Comment